Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Belligerent Drunken Dwarf

Today at work I had just finished making a customer a chocolate milkshake. I gave it to the man, and a dwarf walked in. He comes to the counter. "Do you have a telephone?" My 16 year-old coworker gives it to him, and he makes a call. "They never answer their phone" he mutters.

He gives the phone back and looks around the store. "Where am I?"
I say "You're in an ice cream store."
"Oh. Gimme a pina colada."
"Sir, this is an ice cream store. Not a bar."
"I've been drinking all day, I'm drunk."
He then asks, "So, what do you sell?"
"Ice cream."
"No beer?"

He looks around again and mutters "Gimme a rooftop with peanuts."


I say "I'm sorry sir, what?"
"My dad always got it for me when I was growing up. A sundae."

My 18 year-old coworker starts making the dwarf's order and asks what kind of ice cream he wants. He orders strawberry, then takes everything out of his pockets and strews it all over the counter.

He pays for his ice cream, and then asks again "Where am I?" I say "An ice cream store." He looks at me and goes "Fucker."
I say "Sir, while I respect and appreciate the freedom of speech, this is a family-friendly ice cream store, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't swear."
He steps towards me sort of menacingly.

I go to another customer, a guy who just finished his ice cream cone and was standing by the door. In a low voice, I ask him to please stand behind the dwarf and get some samples, maybe if there are other customers, he'll leave. He agrees. He asks for a sample of green tea ice cream, and I get it for him.

The dwarf turns around. "Hey, motherfucker. What are you doing?"
The man stares down at him. "Getting some samples."
The dwarf asks "Are you afraid of me?", puffing out his chest.
The man looks at him and goes "Honestly? No."
"...Oh." The dwarf gets his ice cream and starts picking up his stuff from the counter.
I ask him "Sir, do you want me to call you a cab?"
"Okay, well, are you driving? Because that's probably not the best idea."
He looks at me and goes "I'm walking."
"Okay, try and stay dry out there in the rain. Enjoy your ice cream." The dwarf turns to leave, and I say "Sir? You forgot your cigarettes."

He puts them in his pocket and walks out the door as my boss walks out and asks "What's going on?"

I say "A belligerent drunken dwarf-midget-small person-I don't know the PC term- just came in and got ice cream." She nods and says "It happens."


  1. You handled that amazingly! Kudos to you, a lot of future cast members should read this.

  2. Thanks, I appreciate it. It's not every day you meet a drunk midget.